


Grocery List

by storiesfortravellers



Category: DCU, The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Humor, Junk Food - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-08 18:25:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4315623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For this prompt at comment-fic:<i><br/>Flash +/ Rogues, if he didn't personally take care of the Rogues' grocery shopping they'd just live off hot dogs and beer forever</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Grocery List

The thing is, all the Rogues lived together, but none of them bothered to do things like cleaning or grocery shopping or, well, basic things that people do.

It started when Barry decided that he should play some pranks now that he knew their secret hideout. He thought it would be funny to leave some rotten fruit in some corner and stink the place up. But when he got there, the house was such a disgusting mess that the rotten fruit would kind of be an improvement. 

So Barry took a few seconds to clean the entire house. Which is sort of like a prank. In a way.

He was also there the next day, sabotaging the weapons they brought in that morning, and so he overheard Mick and Hartley talking (people with superspeed always get the best hiding spots to eavesdrop).

"Did you clean up?" Mick asked. 

"No, I thought you did."

"Why would I clean something when I could burn it down? Fire is the best disinfectant."

Hartley answered condescendingly, "That's not the saying. So did Len do it?"

"I guess. Or Lisa."

"No, if Lisa wanted a clean house, she would have just made someone clean it at gunpoint."

"Good point. Whoever did it did a good job though. It's actually nice to live here now."

For some odd reason, Barry felt a little pride at that. He shook it off though, finished with the weapons, and left.

\--

The next time Barry infiltrated their house, Lisa was threatening a pizza place over the phone.

"What do you mean you don't deliver after 3AM? Do you know what I'm going to do to you?"

"Relax, sis," Len said, "We'll go steal one of those hot dog stands again."

"And a liquor store," Mick added.

"Ugh, all we ever have are hot dogs and beer," Hartley complained.

Barry frowned. Holding up a liquor store could end up hurting some night clerk. He sped off and returned.

As the Rogues were heading out the door, they found a box full of homemade sandwiches. 

"Where did that come from?" Len asked.

"Who cares?" Mick said, taking one and chomping a big bite.

Hartley and Lisa also shrugged and took a sandwich.

Len sighed, but after seeing that the sandwich had no effect on the others, took one too.

Barry smiled.

\--

Barry stopped by once in a while to check on things at the Rogues' house, to make sure he knew their big plans, and so on. He also checked their fridge, and Hartley was right - there was never anything there but cases of beer and occasionally a vat of overcooked hot dogs clearly stolen from some poor street vendor.

This required a long-term solution. Since the Rogues were apparently happy to assume that one of the others were doing work and not bother to ask who, it wouldn't be that hard.

Soon Barry was delivering food to their house every week, with none of them the wiser. 

He noticed that the whole wheat pasta and the fresh kale didn't get eaten, or really any vegetables or healthy foods, or anything that required actual cooking. "Bunch of children," he muttered to himself quietly.

But he did his best to make it work. Eventually he figured out their favorite foods and managed to get them what they needed.

Mick liked jalapeno potato chips and spicy microwave burritos. He would also eat tortilla chips with hot salsa, which Barry figured counted as enough vegetables. Probably.

Hartley would actually eat some produce - apples dipped in organic almond butter, tomatoes and roasted peppers with burrata cheese and basil. It was hipster food, Barry thought with disdain before remembering that he actually really, really liked hipster food too.

Lisa liked both ends of the food spectrum; she lived mostly on hotpockets, but loved caviar too. She also liked Chocolate Lucky Charms. She would drink orange juice though if he made a pitcher of mimosas and left it in the fridge.

Len liked hot meals but not cooking, so Barry always brought some frozen meals - pasta was Len's favorite. He would even occasionally eat a salad. 

\--

Months passed, and Barry was very pleased that he had changed their eating habits, and none of them were any the wiser.

Eventually, though, the Rogues tried to rob another bank. 

This time, one of Hartley's weapons actually caught Barry by surprise.

Soon he was on the floor, unable to move as long as the sound ray was on him.

"Next time we meet, I end you, Flash!" Hartley mocked, standing over him. 

"Unless I burn you up first," Mick said, grinning cruelly as he let his weapon spurt flames upward into the air.

"Don't underestimate us again, kid, or you won't live to tell the tale," Len said, enunciating every word.

Lisa crossed her arms and looked down at him too. "Also, cupcakes!" she demanded.

The other Rogues all groaned. "Now he knows we know!" Hartley complained. 

"And some of those habanero cheese sticks," Mick added, since the cat was out of the bag.

"Fine, fine, we don't want to kill the guy who feeds us," Len said with a smirk, crouching down to talk to Barry. "A word of advice, though: don't be such a sweetheart to the bad guys. It won't always work out well, kid." He patted Barry on the cheek, then stood back up.

"And enough with the brussels sprouts and quinoa," Lisa added. "You wanting it to happen isn't going to make it happen."

With that, the Rogues took off.

Barry sighed. But he mentally added cupcakes and habanero cheese to his growing grocery list.

He still wasn't giving up on the brussels sprouts, though.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Grocery List](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9121657) by [RsCreighton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RsCreighton/pseuds/RsCreighton)




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